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When I got back to England, there was another letter waiting for me. My Dearest Miss Fine, The days pass in the sweltering heat of the summer, but the halls of my heart grow dank and chilly from the poverty of your presence. I have no fear that is a fatal condition, for I have basked sufficiently in the kindness of your spirit and the generosity of your heart that I will never lack for sustenance however lengthy our separation. Whatever my circumstances, I will eternally be envied by other men for the affluence I have attained from your affection. I know the mails are an uncertain proposition at best these days, I have no expectation of receiving a response to my missives. Yet I feel, somehow, an electricity in the air that tells me they have reached you and you have not found them displeasing. I shall for ever claim an esteem which continues to be very precious to me, and hope to be, in the future, indulged with the mutual expression of it. As I sit here writing this, I am a canvass. She’s pretty. She’s faithful. And, I think she loves you, or if not, she’s trying to love you. Or maybe learning to love you. Really,” said Ava.“I am trying to love her. And maybe I will one day. I don’t know. But there is still you, always around always inadvertently, I guess, rubbing my nose in it,” I said.“Julian, forget me. Yes, I’ll be around. We’re family, not lovers, no, but family. And, I am not trying to rub your nose in it. Please,” she said. She sounded desperate. I stared.“Forget you? Ava, had you and I been married that Valentine’s Day in ‘72, and had you cheated on me and dumped me say a couple of years later. I could have rationalized that. Guys, and women too, get cheated on and dumped all the time.“But that’s not what happened to me, Ava. I spent twenty-two years in a cage, raped often, beaten often, tortured to the extent of having my dick cut off by serious bad guys. And in the middle of all of that I was informed that the reason I had willingly, even cheerfully,.
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